She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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