He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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