hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
