She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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