i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
