Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just found a bag of teeth...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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