So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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