Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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