it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
