I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
