i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
