Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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