i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
