I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
