he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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