Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
