He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
