Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
