Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
