If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
