So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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