Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
