And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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