Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
