drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's blow job season.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
