It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
