Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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