her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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