12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
