He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
