I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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