Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
