i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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