she woke up with a sticky ear
even my farts smell like vagina
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
