Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
