I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
