mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
