The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
