I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
