I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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