The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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