Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
