So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
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