I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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