matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
