oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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