I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
