Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
