Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Blow job season was short but glorious.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
