i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
