if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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