I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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